I think I might have figured something out about the crazy gnawing feelings. I might be dealing with them because I'm in a middle phase of development.
I shall explain. Before recently, I would have been at a lower stage of development. I was more ruled by emotion and influenced by my environment. I would have thoughts and feelings without really being aware of them. I would also have thoughts and feeling without understanding what they were.
Now I am recognizing little flashes of thoughts and feelings that before I would have just reacted to. Rather than immediately reacting, first I am just aware of them. It's a bit distressing, because the feelings still cause a physical response. But I'm aware enough of what is happening that I can recognize that it's just a flash of irrational emotion, and not something that is significant or actually real.
If I were at a higher level of development, I would not have the brief physiological responses to the flashes of thoughts. I would just be able to recognize them, without having them affect me, and attach no value to them. If I were able to sit Zen properly, I would be able to just let those thoughts dissipate, without trying to think about them.
Thus I find myself in the middle, aware of the impulses but not able to dismiss them easily. It's not comfortable, and it would certainly behoove me to get back into practicing sitting Zen. Sitting Zen is boring and difficult and about the last thing that I want to do, which points out how much I need to do it. Sigh.
What you do with Zen, i do with prayer. Emotions will come up, but when we get that feelings are not facts, and we can choose if and how to respond, we are on that road you seek.
ReplyDeleteIt's a lifetime journey, isn't it.