The life I want is out there

Building the life I want requires certain building blocks, and I know what a lot of them look like. I know what some of them are. I'm doing a few of them. I was doing more, during a time of intense change. I've let some of those behaviors lapse and I'm neglecting some of the connections I've made. I just don't want to do any of it. I don't want to do much of anything.

As long as I don't lose any more of the good behaviors, I will be okay for a while. There is time to start again. I don't have endless time, but trying to force the issue isn't working for me. So I will call a cease-fire with the forces of guilt. The building blocks will still be waiting for me, after I have gathered the strength to try again. I'll work my way back up to all of those wonderful things I was doing before. I will take pleasure in them again.

Nameless Need

I seem to be swinging between numbness, which is neither pleasant nor unpleasant, and craving. I just don't know for sure what it is that I'm craving.
I've had the chance to interact with people who like me today, been around them for six hours today, shared 2 meals with them today, shared ideas and conversation with them today, and yet sometimes I have felt isolated today. What more on earth could I be wanting? It was all positive and accepting contact on a more than superficial level. Why wasn't the warmth of the company enough? If today wasn't enough, then there could never be enough to satisfy me. I bet it could even be all about me, all day long, and it still wouldn't be enough. So I am craving something, but no amount of interaction seems to be sufficient to meet that demand.
I've been fed sufficiently, but I could still eat a thousand things. What I'm feeling is like hunger, is definitely real, and I am certainly not full. It would be nice to feel full, I imagine it would at least temporarily be satisfying. That's one way I have ended up so fat, though. Whatever it is that I am craving, it's not going to be found on the end of a fork. I have come far enough to at least know that.
The alternative to the craving is numbness. I'm not numb right now, certainly, but I would somewhat like to be. Everything seems like a great deal of trouble for very little reward right now. I did everything correctly all day long, but still I crave something that I don't even know what it is. But I know that the more time I spend numb, the more effort I have to put into coming back. I feel like I'm a thousand steps behind already, I don't want to add more to that.
Maybe I am feeling this craving because I want to get away from unpleasant feelings. Being desperate for good feelings to push away the bad feelings. The only problem is that there isn't going to be anything distracting enough. I may be wanting more than ordinary experiences could ever provide. Nothing is going to be good enough or intense enough. I'm not going to find satisfaction for this nameless need. If I could somehow deal with the bad feelings I'm trying to push away, somehow get to a place where they aren't so bad, then maybe this urge, this craving, would go away.
I'm really unhappy about the suffering that my sister and brother are enduring. I'm struggling with my mood, trying to differentiate between fatigue, depression, and laziness. I'm trying to keep the Happiness Project going, even though the easy stuff has all been done and now it is taking so much more effort and lifestyle changes and energy. It seems as though there just isn't enough money, and any chance to earn more is a far-off hope at best. There are a thousand painful little realizations I've been having recently. It all just seems like too much.
I'm tired and it's late. I'm not going to solve this tonight. At least now I know what I'm craving, which is an experience intense enough to block out feelings that I don't want to feel. I'm not seeking the answer in food, sex, substances, or drama; I'm ahead of the game that far at least. I know that tomorrow will come regardless of whether or not I've resolved any of this. Pain or not, sadness or not, whatever or nothing, what I'm feeling won't make a difference in the long run. So I might as well go to bed, maybe seek some solace in prayer.

Looking for positive emotion

I'm not expecting to live in a constant state of euphoria. People don't work that way. It is possible, though, to have an overall sense of well-being. I had that for a short, short while and it felt really good. I want to get back to that, to find that state of happiness and contentment again.
What is different between then and now? I felt assured that my brother was doing better and that my sister's condition was stabilized in a positive direction. Their lives were not perfect, but they seemed to be okay. That wasn't the reality, though. They are both still in great emotional pain, and in my sister's case, physical pain as well. I love them both very much, but it is not good for me to lose all of my happiness and motivation because they are suffering. There were many good things that I was doing that I have now stopped doing.
I have been so tired and listless. Everything seems like it's just so much trouble. Being well takes effort, and growling at myself to "do it anyway" and "gut it out" is not working. I've managed a little bit, but I haven't gotten any kind of consistency going. Even something as nice as attention from my husband just feels blah and beside the point. There is nothing that has a point. Nothing is interesting. I have no enthusiasm or focus.
I want to change this. I want to be happy and engaged with life. I want to appreciate all of the huge benefits I have in my life. I am so lucky to have love, to be as healthy as I am, to be pain-free, to have the opportunities I have. I can acknowledge all of these things, but it's so hard to feel them. The positive emotion blinks through every now and then, but it's fitful and weak.
On the up side, I'm not drowning in sorrow, either. There are no huge storms of grief wracking me right now. I'm not crying or angry. It's a mild numbness. I know that the sadness and the fury are there, lurking around somewhere, but they're not in my face right now, and that suits me fine. I'm trying to focus on the positive and nurture those little sparks of right thought and right action that would lead me to health and wellness. I can choose how I spend what energy I have, and I'm going to choose not to spend it on feeling bad.
Seventeen days ago I was drinking deeply from some spring of life. It was really great, and it seemed so effortless. It seemed as though every day I was adding new things that not only felt good, but were going to be of great benefit in the future. I was excited and full of hope.
Now I am struggling. It's difficult, and I don't know what to do about it. I haven't been successful at finding the self-discipline to force myself to start exercising again; I did walk a mile today, which is a minor victory. I didn't feel triumphant or anything, but it was a good way to kill 30 minutes. I'm trying to find positive ways of thinking. I'm trying to find that motivation that I had. I don't know whether it was something that had its origins in my own self, or if it was inspired by outside things like reading and other peoples' actions. I do know that seeking to be around positive people is something that I should do. And seeking positive examples and educating myself about wellness is also something that will affect me in good ways. Right now, I'm just going through the motions. I hope that it will pay off and a change for the better happens.
I know that it isn't all about emotion and peak experiences. I was expanded before, and now I am contracted. I was getting fancy before, and now I am just trying to get by. This is the first real trial of the Happiness Project, the first chance to see how strongly it supports me. It isn't about being happy all the time. It's about finding a way to keep living when I am depressed, a set of habits that mean I don't lose it all when I feel bad. I want to have something to come back to, once the depression ends. I want to be emotionally and mentally healthy enough that the down times are fewer and farther between. I can't cure bipolar with positive thinking, but there are a lot of lifestyle choices I can make that can make a difference. Building a life out of those choices is what the Happiness Project is all about.
I know I wrote a lot of blog posts as messages-in-a-bottle to myself, so that when I felt bad I could look at those entries and remember what it was like to feel good. So far, I have to say that they are more annoying than not. I dislike the chirpy tone. I am irritated by the optimism. I am unhappy right now. It all seems like so much more trouble than it is worth right now. I remember somewhat of what it was like to have that energy and engagement, but I can't call it up anymore.
It's been a little over 2 weeks and I haven't fallen apart yet. I am still trying. I have not given up. I'm not doing all I was, but I haven't given up.

not much of an entry

This will be a short entry. I'm doing it more for the sake of saying I did it than for any particular need to share content. I'm trying to shore up the crumbling walls of my routine. A short bit of writing is better than no writing.
I am going to be humbly grateful that my health is as good as it is. I am grateful for my relationships. I have got it so very good. It's just hard to remember how good I have it. I'm going to try to do better at that, and have a better attitude.

Getting back up on the horse is hard when you've lost sight of the horse

The title pretty much says it all. For 2 weeks I have been staggering, faltering, and not pursuing the Happiness Project. My sister's crises have settled down for now, I've been home for the past 10 days, and all that big talk about getting back into the swing of things has not paid off. I have not only fallen off the horse, the horse has run off out of sight.
So that is the bad news: I'm not doing as well as I was. The good news is that I'm still trying. I seem to be in a slump, but it's not a crash. The structure I've been building for myself is holding. It's creaking here and there, and I'm not moving forward, but I'm not losing it all, as I feared I might.
Exercise was the first thing to go. That's not suprising, since it was the last thing to be added. It's where I'm the weakest, obviously. I've fallen into "all or nothing" thinking. Just 10 minutes of doing something is worthwhile, I don't have to do 4 miles every time.
Blogging was the second thing to go. I just haven't felt like dealing with it. There's no accomplishments to report, no new insights to comment on. I haven't been doing much thinking at all. Just struggling not to fall in a hole. But forcing myself to make this entry is helping me clarify some things.
Recording my intake and doing things to earn SparkPoints was the third thing to go. I also haven't been drinking enough water, which is incredibly simple. It just has seemed like more effort than it was worth, and that is obviously not true. It was the last of the new health-seeking behaviors to fall by the wayside, so I hope that I can pick it up again easily.
So those are things which were not gelled into habits yet. I got disrupted, and have entered into a little rough patch. There are other parts of the Happiness Project that have held firm; I'm still going to church and taking part in choir, I'm still seeking out social contact in the real world, I'm still trying to stay connected with society by engaging online. I'm still working, even though call volume has deeply dropped and my hours have been severely cut; there is just the tiniest secret hope in my heart that I might be able to go back to a real job that uses my education. At this point, that seems a thousand miles away, but at least it is closer than the million miles away that it was before.
I have been disappointed with myself for not carrying my good activities forward. It has felt like failure. But I know from past experience that I am more aware of myself and I have a position of strength in dealing with my low mood and lack of motivation. This is not a failure, it is a slump; I'm not going to call it a downcycle, because I'm not suffering from really abnormal distorted thinking. I'm just low on energy and having trouble with focus and concentration. I want to turn inward for a while, which is exactly what I am not going to do. I have to maintain my outward connections! I will make small steps towards getting back into those behaviors that have fallen by the wayside. I will not beat myself up about it. I will be patient and go looking for the horse. When I find the horse, I will approach it in a simple way and make the changes I need to in order to climb back on.

Things I have done right

"Disrupted" is probably an excellent word for how I've been for at least a week. My eating has been off, my exercising sporadic, and my mind has been all over the place.

But I've started finding my way back, doing the things that will bring me to that feeling of wellness that I had for a little while. For the past 2 days, I've been in bed by 10pm, sharing a little quiet time with my husband before lights out; it's a soul-nurturing way to end the day, rather than fighting sleep until the bitter end and going to bed all wadded up. I walked 2 miles today, not the 4 miles I was doing before everything got crazy, but enough to make me feel sweaty but loose afterwards. Last night, I went to choir practice, an activity that means a lot to me creatively and socially; I still sound wretched, but at least I can have a sense of humor about it with Ryan, my partner-in-crime on the back row, because he gets lost in the same places and we both end up humming and trying to fake it. Unfortunately, we are the only 2 tenors, and it's rather obvious when we falter and drop out. Anyway, I get to feel like I am part of something larger than myself that gives pleasure to other people.

I am rededicating myself to SparkPeople as part of the Happiness Project. Taking care of myself is important, and nobody else can do it. I have gotten lots of support from other people, and I appreciate each and every message. I hope that everyone is taking care of themselves as well.

Sister Update

My sister's had an MRI, which showed her spine to be okay, which means that it's some kind of neuropathy related to lupus and not some hideous infection. The pain is still there, but it is just pain now, and not the breath of some dreaded dragon; since infection was ruled out, she was given percocet for pain control, which has made a huge difference. It was a long, dark night we endured while waiting for the MRI the next day, clinging to the thin, thin mercy of ibuprofen.

With the percocet, she was able to return to work yesterday, using a wheeled walker called a Rollator. It has a little seat folded up into it, and when she needs to rest, she can sit down and lock the brakes; it will give her much more freedom of movement. She will not be chained to paths where benches and chairs are available along the way; she wheels her own resting spot around with her, and her weakness and balance issues are compensated for with the frame and wheels of the Rollator.

Pain control and assistance with moving around were two of her greatest needs, and both have been addressed now, so I can rest a little easier.