Looking for positive emotion

I'm not expecting to live in a constant state of euphoria. People don't work that way. It is possible, though, to have an overall sense of well-being. I had that for a short, short while and it felt really good. I want to get back to that, to find that state of happiness and contentment again.
What is different between then and now? I felt assured that my brother was doing better and that my sister's condition was stabilized in a positive direction. Their lives were not perfect, but they seemed to be okay. That wasn't the reality, though. They are both still in great emotional pain, and in my sister's case, physical pain as well. I love them both very much, but it is not good for me to lose all of my happiness and motivation because they are suffering. There were many good things that I was doing that I have now stopped doing.
I have been so tired and listless. Everything seems like it's just so much trouble. Being well takes effort, and growling at myself to "do it anyway" and "gut it out" is not working. I've managed a little bit, but I haven't gotten any kind of consistency going. Even something as nice as attention from my husband just feels blah and beside the point. There is nothing that has a point. Nothing is interesting. I have no enthusiasm or focus.
I want to change this. I want to be happy and engaged with life. I want to appreciate all of the huge benefits I have in my life. I am so lucky to have love, to be as healthy as I am, to be pain-free, to have the opportunities I have. I can acknowledge all of these things, but it's so hard to feel them. The positive emotion blinks through every now and then, but it's fitful and weak.
On the up side, I'm not drowning in sorrow, either. There are no huge storms of grief wracking me right now. I'm not crying or angry. It's a mild numbness. I know that the sadness and the fury are there, lurking around somewhere, but they're not in my face right now, and that suits me fine. I'm trying to focus on the positive and nurture those little sparks of right thought and right action that would lead me to health and wellness. I can choose how I spend what energy I have, and I'm going to choose not to spend it on feeling bad.
Seventeen days ago I was drinking deeply from some spring of life. It was really great, and it seemed so effortless. It seemed as though every day I was adding new things that not only felt good, but were going to be of great benefit in the future. I was excited and full of hope.
Now I am struggling. It's difficult, and I don't know what to do about it. I haven't been successful at finding the self-discipline to force myself to start exercising again; I did walk a mile today, which is a minor victory. I didn't feel triumphant or anything, but it was a good way to kill 30 minutes. I'm trying to find positive ways of thinking. I'm trying to find that motivation that I had. I don't know whether it was something that had its origins in my own self, or if it was inspired by outside things like reading and other peoples' actions. I do know that seeking to be around positive people is something that I should do. And seeking positive examples and educating myself about wellness is also something that will affect me in good ways. Right now, I'm just going through the motions. I hope that it will pay off and a change for the better happens.
I know that it isn't all about emotion and peak experiences. I was expanded before, and now I am contracted. I was getting fancy before, and now I am just trying to get by. This is the first real trial of the Happiness Project, the first chance to see how strongly it supports me. It isn't about being happy all the time. It's about finding a way to keep living when I am depressed, a set of habits that mean I don't lose it all when I feel bad. I want to have something to come back to, once the depression ends. I want to be emotionally and mentally healthy enough that the down times are fewer and farther between. I can't cure bipolar with positive thinking, but there are a lot of lifestyle choices I can make that can make a difference. Building a life out of those choices is what the Happiness Project is all about.
I know I wrote a lot of blog posts as messages-in-a-bottle to myself, so that when I felt bad I could look at those entries and remember what it was like to feel good. So far, I have to say that they are more annoying than not. I dislike the chirpy tone. I am irritated by the optimism. I am unhappy right now. It all seems like so much more trouble than it is worth right now. I remember somewhat of what it was like to have that energy and engagement, but I can't call it up anymore.
It's been a little over 2 weeks and I haven't fallen apart yet. I am still trying. I have not given up. I'm not doing all I was, but I haven't given up.