I seem to be swinging between numbness, which is neither pleasant nor unpleasant, and craving. I just don't know for sure what it is that I'm craving.
I've had the chance to interact with people who like me today, been around them for six hours today, shared 2 meals with them today, shared ideas and conversation with them today, and yet sometimes I have felt isolated today. What more on earth could I be wanting? It was all positive and accepting contact on a more than superficial level. Why wasn't the warmth of the company enough? If today wasn't enough, then there could never be enough to satisfy me. I bet it could even be all about me, all day long, and it still wouldn't be enough. So I am craving something, but no amount of interaction seems to be sufficient to meet that demand.
I've been fed sufficiently, but I could still eat a thousand things. What I'm feeling is like hunger, is definitely real, and I am certainly not full. It would be nice to feel full, I imagine it would at least temporarily be satisfying. That's one way I have ended up so fat, though. Whatever it is that I am craving, it's not going to be found on the end of a fork. I have come far enough to at least know that.
The alternative to the craving is numbness. I'm not numb right now, certainly, but I would somewhat like to be. Everything seems like a great deal of trouble for very little reward right now. I did everything correctly all day long, but still I crave something that I don't even know what it is. But I know that the more time I spend numb, the more effort I have to put into coming back. I feel like I'm a thousand steps behind already, I don't want to add more to that.
Maybe I am feeling this craving because I want to get away from unpleasant feelings. Being desperate for good feelings to push away the bad feelings. The only problem is that there isn't going to be anything distracting enough. I may be wanting more than ordinary experiences could ever provide. Nothing is going to be good enough or intense enough. I'm not going to find satisfaction for this nameless need. If I could somehow deal with the bad feelings I'm trying to push away, somehow get to a place where they aren't so bad, then maybe this urge, this craving, would go away.
I'm really unhappy about the suffering that my sister and brother are enduring. I'm struggling with my mood, trying to differentiate between fatigue, depression, and laziness. I'm trying to keep the Happiness Project going, even though the easy stuff has all been done and now it is taking so much more effort and lifestyle changes and energy. It seems as though there just isn't enough money, and any chance to earn more is a far-off hope at best. There are a thousand painful little realizations I've been having recently. It all just seems like too much.
I'm tired and it's late. I'm not going to solve this tonight. At least now I know what I'm craving, which is an experience intense enough to block out feelings that I don't want to feel. I'm not seeking the answer in food, sex, substances, or drama; I'm ahead of the game that far at least. I know that tomorrow will come regardless of whether or not I've resolved any of this. Pain or not, sadness or not, whatever or nothing, what I'm feeling won't make a difference in the long run. So I might as well go to bed, maybe seek some solace in prayer.
What you are feeling will make a difference in one way. You are processing it, and will get through it to the other side.
ReplyDeleteIf you numbed it out with food or substances or whatever, as you said, you would still have the feeling to deal with on the other side. This way, you are dealing with it first.
That is a great improvement.