Psychological factors that have led me to this point....
Part of it is learned helplessness, I think. When you have been fat your entire life, then "things have always been this way" and that leads to thinking that "things will always be this way" and that there's no point in trying to change it. So I just got fatter and fatter with each passing year, because I didn't see the chance to do things differently.
Emotional eating, of course. I have felt enormous emotional emptiness for lengthy periods in my life and rather than deal with the painful emotions, I sought to stifle them with comfort food. Even though my emotional needs are being met now, and have been being met for 11 years, I still often overeat because I crave the feelings that go along with being full. Having a full stomach is cozy, calm, contented. It's associated with peace and plenty.
I also have this determination to gain the acceptance and the approval of other people through the food I cook or bake. I'm good at it, and I like to show off. For some reason I have the idea that compliments on my cooking mean that I am worthy. I want to "wow" people with elaborate foods, and those are usually rich and fattening. When I'm cooking, I have to taste to make sure I'm getting it right, and I fix things which I find appealing, so I eat some too. That makes for an awful lot of extra calories being consumed. I want to belong, and preparing this kind of food is associated with being my ticket to being accepted and belonging.
Then of course there's the depression part of bipolar. During the downcycles I don't have the energy to bathe sometimes, let alone exercise every day! I eat what is easy, which means a lot of breakfast cereal and prepackaged food. All of my fiddly SuperCook tools go unused while I am vegetating in squalor. The concentration required to track food intake is beyond me during those times.
The ideas of eating out of boredom and discomfort with attention from men also sound good to me, even though I don't think they are part of my main constellation. I think I have hit the big ones. So that's my assessment of the psychological factors in my weight.
I feel as though I should add "knowledge deficit" to the list, even though that is not exactly a psychological issue. I've had many opportunities to gain knowledge about nutrition, portion control, and how to exercise, but I never truly learned it. It seems as though only now are these things beginning to take root.
The physical component of bipolar that results in the psychological effect of depression, I can't do anything about, likewise the weight gain from meds, because I'm certainly not going to go without them!
Dear Jokamo,
ReplyDeleteWith much of this, you could be talking about me.
When i cook, i tell people i am "channeling my grandmother", even though i don't really believe in channeling. She loved to feed people, and thrived on the compliments, and i learned well. The good thing is, i've never liked to eat my own cooking! By the time i'm done fixing it, i'm tired of it and don't want to see it any more, especially on my plate.