I have a life now

I have come to the conclusion that I now have a life. I have work and play, study, social contact, exercise, and relationships. Rather than being a sad gray creature, inert and helpless in the face of things that happened to me, I am out making things happen now.

I have always had the love of my husband and my family. That has sustained me during the worst of times. Love kept me hanging on, but it wasn't enough to save me from my disease. I suffered, but it wasn't for forever, it has come to an end for now. I will suffer again, but it won't last forever, it will come to an end. My disease does not define me, and it isn't a sentence of doom; it's just a description of the cycles I pass through as I live this life. It's natural for me to have downcycles. Rather than despairing that I am abnormal, I hope that I can remember that it's just one part of living, and that it's temporary.

Moving is getting easier. Twenty-three days ago, I could barely walk slowly for a half of a mile. Today I've done 2.4 miles, one of those miles at a brisk pace. Today I did a chair yoga video intended for seniors and those with physical disabilities, and it kicked my butt. I have hope that in another 23 days I will be more flexible. If I stick with it, I will be.

Maintaining motivation is a little bit difficult right now. The newness is wearing off, and the initial enthusiasm is giving way to the day-to-day reality of following through with all these changes. I'm finding myself resisting getting started with exercise, resisting continuing once I've started, resisting doing it again after I've done it once already that day. Walking has become so much easier, and it's almost a habit, but I'm in that stage where it's not quite there yet and I still want to put it off.

I need to find sources of inspiration to keep me going. If there is a fire in me, then I'm ready to exercise and eat carefully. Feeding that fire is my task now that the first rush is over. I need to read other people's blogs about their experiences on their own journeys. I need to look at pictures of other people's transformations. I need to visualize my own transformation.

I will vary my workouts and try new things in my eating plan, to combat boredom. I will continue to post my daily miles on facebook. I will seek out online support from SparkBuddies and other people who are on the same journey. These are things that I can do to stay on track.

There's such a long way to go. I know I can't get caught up in the big picture because I'll get overwhelmed and give up. I have come a long way already, from having no life to having a full one. I can keep moving forward and have more of a life in the future, if I can stay motivated.