Body and Soul

When I started my Happiness Project, I didn't have a great awareness either of my body or my soul. I'd blocked out my body, which I didn't want to think about, and I'd blocked out my soul, which I didn't want to believe existed. Having a body meant having something to be ashamed of, something that was ruined and ugly. Discovering a soul meant facing the fact that my mind was lazy and my heart was easily doped with meaningless drivel or empty calories, either would do. No one likes to realize that they have found as much meaning in a biscuit as they would in a poem.

If this had happened all at once, the Happiness Project would have died instantly. Fortunately, the process has been one of growth and development rather than terrifying revelation. I've slowly moved from isolation into involvement. I've gently turned from soul-less mindlessness to contemplation of God and what God means. Intellect has gradually dawned again, leading to questions and seeking and collecting information. My body has begun to move in new ways, organized work intended to strengthen it and make it healthy. My emotions are less my master now, although it's just a tiny bit less. Still, I've made progress.

I want to be vital and alive and on fire, burning passionately with life. I remember that feeling, from a lifetime ago. I want that same curiosity and eagerness to experience life. The Happiness Project has carried me to the point where I have begun to see places where I am lacking. I'm aware of so much more now, but I don't have the physical means to do what I want. I'm still hampered by my flesh, fatigued and inflexible, too weak to burn at all. I'm just a flicker inside. But it's a stronger flicker than it has been in ages. I'm aware of the flicker now.

My goal right now is to fuel that flicker. I will feed my mind with proper intellectual food, good information and uplifting philosophy. I will feed my body with proper nourishing food, in the right amounts at the right times. I will feed my soul with proper spiritual food, being willing to doubt but also willing to pray.

I'm not ready for any grand battles. For right now, this fight is going to be won day by day, inch by inch. I'm establishing a framework right now, building a structure to support me when it is time to take on grander tasks. For now it is enough to repair my body and nurture my soul.

At this time, I'm in an egg, developing a form that will carry me successfully back out into the world. I don't know how long I will be in this egg. I don't think there's any way to make it happen any faster. It certainly doesn't feel like I will be hatching any time soon. I've been in this egg for so long now, but I've only just quickened and started growing properly.

I don't know why or how this all began. I've come out of downcycles before, had time when I was neither hypomanic or depressed, been functional and nearly normal, but never before have I been so focused on my goals. I was drifting aimlessly as usual in one moment, and the next moment I was planning out the Happiness Project, even though it didn't have that name at the beginning. I don't know why it began, only that it has begun, and I will do all that I can to keep it going.