I've been looking back over all my blog entries, here and in other places where I've been recording my thoughts. I'm trying to get an idea of my progress. I know that I have changed, my life is full of evidence of that.
At first, all I blogged about was navigating the waters of social contact, carefully nurturing and tending every little sprout of connection between other people and myself. That went on for weeks and weeks. Then, when I added my goals of being aware of popular culture and trends, I talked about what I was doing to catch up with current times. Now recently, it's all about my health and wellness. Interspersed all along have been little awakenings and crises having to do with the nature of the Divine, and where I stand in relation. My sister and brother have made repeated appearances, always at the center of some heartbroken plea that they be granted some grace.
Those are the repeating themes right now. The search for friendship and community, for cultural connectedness, for healing of the body, and for peace for my brother and sister.
I hadn't really realized how much I talked about my brother and sister. In blogs and journals endlessly devoted to building myself up, I still spend a lot of time expressing concern for them. I'm not sure what that means. Obviously, I love them; they are going through hard times and I feel sad that they are suffering. It affects me a lot, more than I thought it did.
I don't know how this fits in with the Happiness Project. I know I would be happier if they were happier. I am supporting them emotionally as much as I know how to, and tentatively offering prayers in the hope that they might have divine solace. I don't have any idea what else to do. I don't see what other actions I could take that would make a difference for them, or make a difference in how I feel. Their unhappiness will be a continuing concern of mine, even as I'm pursuing the Happiness Project.
I wish they could have their own Happiness Projects. They live in the same city, 2 hours away from me.
My sister's health is very poor, but if she were to be able to devote her limited resources to improving the quality of her life, that would be much better. If she could find things that gave her joy, it would ease her burdens. But it is hard to look for joy when you are in pain and ill. I can help in concrete ways by coming up to see her and giving her massages, and by giving her the chair yoga DVD I have been using. She wants to do yoga, but the DVDs I gave her as a gift are too taxing for her. The chair yoga would be much gentler and give her the benefits as well. I could cook some healthy meals and put them in her freezer, so that when she feels really bad there will be something close to hand that she could microwave easily. I already call her frequently, but I suppose I could try calling every day. If I did these things, that might help her.
She will still be chronically ill, though. There is nothing I can do to change that. The only thing I can change is how I respond to it. Right now I am responding by feeling bad, being sorrowful, and looking for answers. I'm not going to find any answers. People with far more intelligence and education than I have are working to find answers to lupus. There are some drugs that can help some of the symptoms, she just has to be well enough to take them. The condition she is in right now is a flare, there is hope of remission once she gets back onto her medication. Her workplace is accommodating her illness right now, so the spectre of losing her job isn't looming as large as it was. Once she recovers from her infections, she'll be able to take the medicine again. Then things won't seem so dire.
So, for the sake of the Happiness Project, I will focus on hope and doing concrete things to help. I don't know what to do about it when I feel bad, other than to continue blogging about it.
My brother's physical health is fine, but his mental and emotional states are badly battered. I am so worried about him. He is deeply depressed and his heart is broken because the life he planned with his fiancee blew apart when she suddenly left him. She chose painkillers over him. It's better this way, it really is, but he just hurts so much. He's really a funny, gentle soul with a quick wit and a generous nature; now, though, he's bitter and angry and hurt. I am afraid that his basic nature will change, that he really will stay the way he is now for forever. It is agony to see him going through agony. He lashes out now frequently, and it requires special handling to talk to him about anything. I miss the free and easy talk we used to share, the fun we had, and the cozy feeling of security knowing that my brother was okay. Well, my brother is not okay anymore. He is damaged so deeply that I fear it will change him for the worse.
There is even less I can do for him than I can for my sister. He resists contact with me, pushing away every time I try to connect with him. I faithfully follow him on Facebook, because that seems to be the place he is most open to contact. I almost always comment on whatever he says, trying to show interest and let him know that I'm keeping up with him. I read his blog, which he updates infrequently, but I check it every day. In every way I can, I meet him on his own playing field and send him messages of love. I risk his wrath and impatience by calling him once a week, even though he only occasionally responds to it. On those occasions when he does respond, though, I cherish every moment that I can keep him talking, keep him out of himself, keep him putting one foot in front of the other.
His pain is his own, and I can't take it for myself. But I do hurt, seeing him hurting, and I do fear for what he and his life may become if he does not recover from this.
So what do I do with my pain and my fear, and how do I help him recover? The only thing I can think of to do is to continue nibbling around the edges of his desolation, sending out radio signals that I love him. I have to find a way to cope with these huge feelings of despair, so that if he turns to me someday, I will be able to handle his despair without falling in myself. I do not know how to do that. How does one make it so that pain and fear do not swell so great that it blots out everything else for a while? Until I figure that out, I won't be much use.
So, for the sake of the Happiness Project, I need to learn how to handle powerful painful emotions without turning to self-destructiveness or food. When I can do that, then I will be able to deal with my feelings about my brother, and not borrow his pain for my own.
I don't know what else to say or do in either case. This is something that I will need to revisit often, reminding myself to focus on hope, doing concrete things, keeping in contact, and studying how to face pain calmly and with love.
No comments:
Post a Comment