Taking a moment

Doggone it, I had a whole post all written up, and I somehow deleted it and have no idea how to recall it. I thought I was choosing ctrl-C, but did something else instead. An irritating mistake that came out of trying to go too fast.

The post was about being sulky. I am sulky. I sulk. Sulk sulky sullen. Pouting is an irritating action that lasts for just a minute, but sulking is a character flaw that runs deeper. One can't like everything that happens, but sulking about circumstances isn't only unattractive, it's unhelpful, hurts others around you, and mars your sould. I say it hurts others around you, because Captain Husband picked up on it and apologized for the circumstance which I was responding to with a sulk. So he felt bad because I met the world with ill grace. This will not do.

So last night I discovered a lack of kindness, and this morning I've discovered sulkiness. I don't know what is up with me. Character flaws are sticking out all over the place. I have a tiny hope that by noticing them I can achieve some positive note and be on the road to repairing them. But then again, I have the selfish hope that just by noticing them, that will be enough and I don't have to actually do any work. And part of me hopes for a pat on the head for being perceptive about my shortcomings. It's not comfortable to come to these realizations.

I don't know what it is with me and examinations of my character. Maybe it's all the C.S. Lewis I've been reading. I bought a book for 31 dollars last night that has 7 of his books collected in it. I need to work 3 hours extra to pay for it, but I will gladly do that, because it's a very good book.

I am not sure what I think about being a Christian. I'm ambivalent about a lot of things. I know there are a lot of things I want nothing to do with, from my previous experiences in the church. I'm having to unlearn a lot, and will never be able to have an unexamined thought or belief. I can't take anything for granted, or else it will really be delusion and laziness rather than rational faith.

Rational faith sounds like a contradiction, but that's what I want. And it's something that C.S. Lewis demonstrated. He didn't have blind faith, an anti-intellectual faith like what I grew up with, he had a sane, humane, and sincere faith that was the result of thinking about things a lot. I'm not saying that reading Lewis is a substitute for doing my own thinking, but he makes a good set of training wheels as I try to find my own way. I could find many worse examples to follow.

My break from work is almost over, so I need to stop blogging and go get a shower. I hope that anyone who reads this is having a decent day, in the best sense of the word. Thank you for your patience. Doing these posts is helpful in organizing myself, as I am trying to put my life back together.