My sister is yet again sick with some kind of upper respiratory infection. This has been her reality for 2 months, out of which she has missed 25% of her work days. She is sick, she is tired, and she is overwhelmed. I can do nothing but listen to her and try to support her, which is what I am doing. I call her at least once each day, trying to do it more than that, but at least once. I did buy her a 3-DVD set of beginner yoga videos off Amazon.com because she expressed interest in them. I paid 4 bucks extra for the gift-wrap and a card, just because I wanted her to feel special when they came. I can't do much, but I will try to do all I can.
My heels are looking and feeling much better! They do not hurt to walk on any more. Having the callused areas shaved down, using a scraper every night, using oil religiously, and wearing 2 pairs of socks constantly have all helped. They are still deeply cracked, and there is still a sore on the top of each foot where the crocs rubbed them, but they are looking better and should be healed soon. From now on I am going to work very hard to take care of my feet! My blood sugar control is very good, but over time even a non-diabetic's circulation will become problematic, so I am going to be careful now. When I am old, I will be ahead of the game.
Making changes for the sake of the future has been a real theme in my life lately. I'm trying to establish good habits and routines that will carry me forward for the rest of my time on earth. If I can make certain behaviors "automatic" then I have a chance at keeping them going during a downcycle. There are no guarantees of that, though. But at least the effort is worth trying, and it will improve my life right now too. It might not help me live to be old, but it will help make my time here better.
I am a little bit aggravated that after a week of careful eating and beginning to exercise, I have not even lost a tenth of a pound. I weigh exactly what I did when I started. I know it is early in the program, but I thought that maybe just half a pound or something would not be too much to expect. Just not gaining any more weight is good, though, so I am going to count this week as positive. Not a win or a victory, but definitely a positive. I mapped out my little walking routes, overcame my reluctance to go out in public, and started moving. That counts as a victory, for sure!
Changing the subject, I had a wish come true and nearly missed it! I've wanted so much to run into someone I knew in a grocery store and talk to them for a minute. I've always felt so jealous when other people would do that. Well that happened yesterday, and I just took it in stride. The joy didn't hit me until today. That means I had someone who knew me and wanted to talk to me for a moment when we crossed paths randomly! I had someone to cross paths with! I wish I had been less shy at the time, though. I think I did pretty well with it, however. I was able to make a little joke and keep eye contact, all that jazz. At least Jameela didn't seem to regret stopping to talk to me. I should write her an email or something just to say hi sometime this week.
Choir practice tonight wasn't too bad. I actually managed to keep up and sing correctly for the most part. Yesterday at church it was so bad that I really wanted to quit. Just really, honest to goodness wanted to quit. During morning practice Gwen came and stood beside me, got a lock of my hair, and tugged it up-up-up to get me off of being flat. I wanted to either die of embarrassment or deck her, one or the other. I just felt so malfunctional and stupid! I had the worst time keeping up, couldn't seem to find the notes, and just got so frustrated. It wasn't any fun at all. But another choir member heard me in the choir room when I muttered something about quitting, and she sent me a message on facebook to encourage me to stay. My heart was so melted by that I resolved to stick with it for the sake of the fellowship and human contact. It is better to have something than it is to have nothing, even if the something isn't perfect. It is difficult being in the choir, because I don't have a lot of natural talent and I'm wavering in between the alto and tenor parts, it's a very different style of music than any I am familiar with, and everyone else has been singing together for years. There are a lot of reasons why it is a lot of work. Gwen pushes us hard, and sometimes I just don't seem to have enough to give. But I will keep trying, because sometimes there are nights like tonight, when it goes pretty well. It's my chance to be around 10 other people twice a week for an hour and a half, and I don't think I will be giving that up.
Sometimes it is tiresome, being so deliberate with everything. Whatever I do is calculated to some extent: do these things for social contact, do those things to build good habits, do this to advance an aquaintenceship, do that for reason X. Eat one thing rather than another because it will matter in 20 years. Spend 30 minutes doing this thing rather than that thing. Do a lot of other things that you wouldn't naturally do. I know that this is all something I have chosen, and that the alternative is going back to mindlessly drifting, but it is not easy. I have to make all kinds of decisions that are new to me and consider consequences I hadn't thought about before. None of this comes automatically yet. Hopefully it will.
Dear Jokamo,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your sister. It's terrible when the sick person is someone you care so much about and you can only be there for support. She will continue to be in my prayers.
Glad your heels are better. The better we take care of ourselves when young or young(ish), the better off we will be later. That goes for exercise and eating right. Even if the scale doesn't change every week, keep it up. Your body is burning fat, building lean muscle tissue, and getting stronger and healthier. The weight loss will come.
Keep singing! G-d created your voice, and loves it, and loves that you are using it to sing praises and to connect with other people.
Keep building those good habits! Someday they will be automatic, and you won't have to think so much about it. If you do cycle into another depression, and there's no guarantee either way, you will be a step ahead, with good habits built, and it might not be so deep or long, and picking up the pieces after will be easier. Habits you've had in the past are easier to reform if needed.
Hugs!