Game night at Kelli and Angie's; Molasses Panic

Tonight I did something a little different. I went over to my friends Kelli and Angie's place and we had some jambalaya and played a Monopoly card game which went very quickly and part of a game of Scrabble which went rather slowly before it was abandoned to bring me home. It was nice to hang out with them in their new place, and it was great to not have to try to borrow the car to get over there. Captain Husband went out to eat with his parents, so I would have been able to use the car, though. As it was, Kelli had an errand on campus anyway, so bringing me home worked out well. I only got to visit for about 3 hours, but it was good quality time.

I hate that I had to leave at 9pm, but that is the time that I set for myself to come back. Angie has to work tomorrow, and I am struggling to get enough sleep, so ending at 9pm was the grownup thing to do. Being an adult sometimes means going to bed even when there are fun and interesting things going on. I'm still going to be 10pm getting to bed, I just know it. At least that's better than 11 or midnight. And I can sleep in tomorrow, because I'm not fixing any food to take with us. I plan on exploring that new down comforter that Captain Husband's parents gave us yesterday! I've never slept under one, looking forward to the novelty as well as the warmth they are supposed to have.

So I finished The Screwtape Letters  and Mere Christianity, both by C.S. Lewis. They were both interesting in their own ways. I have the feeling that I should read them both a few more times, because there is so much to think about. Lewis's style is so witty and droll that it's a little breathtaking when he drops little bombs of logic on one. He uses the language so beautifully, too. Of course, he was a product of his time and there are a few things we would have to agree to disagree on, but the vast majority of what I have read so far resonates for me. I'm pretty impressed that I actually read and finished both books; I used to be a voracious reader, just constantly reading something. Then illness took hold, and I stopped. It is good to pick up books again, good to read and re-read and savor the passages. I want to read more, but the issue is finding time and energy to do it.

All time and energy have to come from somewhere. I remember having lots of energy to do things, it was only a few years ago. I have to believe that what I am feeling now is not due to the inevitable changes of age, but due to my illness. If that is the case, then it is possible for it to be reversed. I don't know how to make that happen, but at least I have the hope that it can be done. If the meds I am on right now have given me so much back, and if the changes I have been making and the First and Second Goals have made so much difference, then it is at least possible for me to find more energy and ability to do things. The crushing inertia and molasses panic that I have been feeling for so long do not have to be the status quo.

"Molasses Panic" is a good way to describe the way I feel a lot of the time. It is being trapped in slow-moving goo, struggling to move faster, unable to move faster, being aware of it all and not being able to change it. My heart flaps around in my chest and my throat hurts when it's like that. It goes on like that for a while, until I either get out from under it or I give in. Usually I give in, resigning myself to whatever fate has in store for me at the moment. Sometimes I get distracted and the moment lifts. Every now and then, I find the right combination of attitude and attention, and I can shake it off. At those times I feel very good.

Look at the changes I have made, things that seemed impossible before, things that the Molasses Panic precluded once but no longer: going to church and choir, going to the game on Saturdays, visiting with friends, working. Look at what I do so much more of now: cooking, cleaning, driving, grooming. I am taking care of myself in all kinds of ways that I had stopped doing. I will be able to add new things to this list. I will be able to read more and exercise and do volunteer work. I will find a way to do it. I will find it within me. It might only come after I pray about it, or it might be something I can psych myself into. I don't know. But I can get there. If I have made changes A and B, when A&B seemed impossible before, then why not C, even though C looks just as impossible right now?

I really hope I remember this. It's why I'm writing in this stream-of-consciousness way, because I want to remind myself of this thought process. Rather than just saying, "Find the energy," I need to say, "Find your way to where the energy is, by thinking about it in this positive way."

I have hope, where there was none before. I can salvage my life. In a year's time, I could be indistinguishable from a normal person, if I keep trying.